Where, and how, should you bring out what you have kept hidden?
The act of hiding is itself what creates shame. So if there is something we are hiding, let us first bring it out into the open. What have you kept hidden in your heart all this time, unable to express it? That does not mean going and telling just anyone. You need to use good judgement. Sometimes telling just anyone only lands you in worse trouble. Express it to someone you can trust, or express it anonymously. Don’t hide it; express it freely.
If there is a place where you can post anonymously, I encourage you to express there what you have kept hidden and felt ashamed of. Doing it once will not change things in a flash. Even so, it becomes a small spark inside us.
When you stop hiding the thoughts and feelings that rise up in you and allow them, keep it light and simple. Just allow them: “It’s okay to have a thought like that. It’s okay to feel that way.”
In fact, it takes great courage to speak about something you have kept tightly hidden. To others it is nothing much, but to the one hiding it, it is enormously shameful, heavy and hard. Even when they post it anonymously and no one knows who wrote it, they themselves know their words are there. That is why even posting it anonymously is hard.
So go one step at a time. If it feels frightening and hard, don’t pour out a great deal all at once; go slowly, one sentence, two sentences, three sentences. First post it on an anonymous site, and after that, try confessing it in front of people you can trust. That is the beginning. Express yourself little by little like that, and set yourself free.
Getting it off your chest alone, talking to yourself, is not bad either. But it does not do much to bring out the shame you are hiding. That is because the effect is stronger when you bring it out into the open.
If it is anonymous, is it all right to vent your anger at someone when it flares up? There is a cunning part in our hearts. Long ago, when I was starting a healing community, I said that we should express and share our feelings honestly and truthfully, and some people used those words as an excuse to blame others. Venting anonymously, somewhere the person you are blaming is not present, is fine. But flinging it out carelessly where the very person you are blaming can see it is probably not a good way for your heart to find its way to peace.
If I show my weakness, won’t people take advantage of it?
What if I talk about my shortcomings and flaws, and someone makes fun of me for them? That is really what we are afraid of, isn’t it? If people mock you like that, the problem lies with them.
And as far as I know, when someone reveals their shortcomings and frailty, communities and individuals alike generally try to make up for what is lacking, and to help and protect that person. They don’t try to take advantage of it. That is basic human nature. Relationships also get a great deal better.
On the other hand, if you try to be strong, try to be smarter, try to talk more because you don’t want to be looked down on, relationships get worse. You want recognition, but you get even less of it. The more truthfully you say, “I fall short. This is where I’m weak,” the more people truly listen.
More people than you might think want recognition and attention from others. It is a wish a little like a child’s, but that’s okay. Wanting recognition and attention is good. Get plenty of it. Here is how to get plenty of it. Admit your weakness and confess where you fall short. And say things to others that help them and give them strength. That’s all it takes. It isn’t difficult.
But you have to do it truthfully. Everyone can see through pretence. Even if it seems they don’t notice, people have an instinct for it, so if you pretend to be what you are not and try to talk impressively, it doesn’t work. It never works. You may have done that all this time in order to survive. I am not blaming you for that. I am telling you the way to get what you want, because I hope you get it.
What if I don’t know what I am hiding?
If you don’t know what you are hiding, try calling your shame to mind. If you think about what makes you feel ashamed, you will gradually begin to notice what you are hiding.
And take it slowly. Rushing causes side effects. You avoid side effects only by going slowly, taking on only as much as you can handle, at your own pace.
If there is something you are hiding, open it up little by little. And I hope you will take a moment to think about this: “It is the very thing I am trying to hide and cover up that lets shame hold me back.”
Written by Kim Hyung-keun — Director, Seoul Addiction Psychology Institute · Director, Institute for Contemporary Psychoanalysis · Object relations psychotherapist and supervisor, 26 years in practice and teaching. Counselling Board